And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
