so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I deserve this hangover.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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