hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
