R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
