Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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