The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
