I cut my penus on the lid.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
