She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
