Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
