She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
