Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
