my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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