she looked like the before picture.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
