Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
