yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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