I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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