Me too!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
