no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
