So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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