so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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