Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
