I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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