I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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