i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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