Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
