I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
