My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
