you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
