I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
