first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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