when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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