yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
