Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
