Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
