Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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