im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
