Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
