I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
