Got a toothbrush?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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