I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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