he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
