its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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