Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
