i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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