You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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