I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
false alarm, still single
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
