I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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