Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
