I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
