Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
