i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
