you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
