Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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