the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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